Slumps

Been working on several short stories and trying to get into the mindset of sharing my writing. Recently finished polishing this piece (or at least it’s in a place where I feel ok sharing it). XX

Slumps

Today it is raining, and I am in a slump. I know I am in a slump because that is when I cannot look away from my flaws, and I pick at the ugly sensation hiding behind my collarbone until I feel raw and sadder than before. I have put on seven different outfits, and my cheeks are flushed from exertion. I pick until I don’t like what I see in the mirror. I pick at myself until I forget that I actually love my body, I pick until I cannot anymore because I need to go to class.

It is hard, because I am a rational person, so I say ‘You know that’s not right. This isn’t what you really think. Be kind to yourself’. But I don’t want to be kind to myself, or love my body, or do what all my caring friends tell me to do. I want to nap and be left alone.

I cannot look in mirrors, or be around people, or be left alone. Looking in mirrors will only mean I see more flaws. Being around people means having to pretend I’m not in a slump. Being left alone only lets me fall deeper into it. Slumping is hard.

I am in a slump and feel chubbier than I deserve to think of myself. I chastise myself for not exercising, for going for the extra fry that I didn’t really want to eat. In the mirror, my shirt doesn’t fit right. I eat a salad – not because I think it’s delicious, but because I’ve been taught that lettuce will make me thin. Later I will eat three cookies to quell my hungry stomach, and feel even worse.

Slumps happen regardless of rain, of time, of work and rest. I am always working. I’m working on class assignments, I’m working on my friendships, I’m working on becoming gentler with myself. But on slump days there is also anger. I am angry because I cannot do enough – because I am not as talented, or beautiful, or smart as my classmates. I am not as nice as I want to be. I do not like myself in a slump; my personality, my soft stomach, my laugh.

When I am in a slump, it feels like a day destroys a lifetime’s work of loving myself.

The thing is, it doesn’t.

I am not writing about my slump because it is a cry for help. I am not scared of my slump. This is a bad day, and I am a person who feels bruised on the inside. But I am better than I was a year ago. That helps, the knowledge that I can be flawed and feel bad, but know that I have made changes to move forward. The nice thing about slumps is that they remind you that you are human, and imperfect.

“I will be okay,” I think as I eat my third cookie and wish that I didn’t have to go to class “Bad is ok.” Maybe tomorrow I will like my laugh again.

Today it is raining, and I am in a slump. I feel bad today, and that is alright.

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Welcome to Urinetown (The Musical)

It’s always strange when a play comes to an end.

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Getting into costume – Mrs. O Henry.

There’s always the immediate sensation of ‘well..what now?’. Urinetown has been such a big part of my life for the last two months. Every day I found myself at our theatre, singing, dancing and immersing myself into the wonderful cast of people I now consider my family. So when I found myself bidding goodbye to everyone (possibly the last time I’ll ever see some of our graduating seniors, or freshman who will move on to different things than the theatre), it was with both heavy heart.

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Act One Finale – Bobby Strong.

I’m so proud of the work that I’ve done during my time in Urinetown. Not least because it was one of the most physically challenging plays I’ve done. A quick change really earns it’s name when you have to race down to the voms and change into a completely new outfit and then burst back onto stage – all in 80 seconds. It wasn’t just the consistent racing to the bottom of the theatre though – for the first time I was selected to be a lead dancer, something I took on with no small amount of doubt and derision. After all, it was mostly a funny joke – that I was the one chosen to dance, with my bum knees and lack of experience . However I’m proud to say that every performance I gave it my all and held my own, even while sweating beneath a ski mask (which I am NOT sorry to say goodbye to)

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Cop Song with Officers Lockstock & Barrel.

Urinetown was quite possibly the funnest show I’ve ever been involved in, and I couldn’t be happier that it was my first department stage production. It’s constantly a shock and source of inspiration to me how talented the people around me are. One poor cast member actually sprained a foot halfway during our run – and gained standing applause for performing every dance on crutches!

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Act One Finale – Little Sally, Mrs. O. Henry, Doctor Billeaux

There are always times when I doubt why I want to go into the theatre. Rehearsals are long and grueling, directors can be nitpicky, it’s very easy to feel discouraged when you receive a small part. However, all my doubts always wash away when I get up onto stage. There is nothing in the world like being a part of a production – creating your own world and sharing it with complete strangers. It’s a rush unlike anything else. And when I look around- at my wonderful castmates, at my friends sitting in the audience to support me, at the complete strangers there to listen to our story – then I realize there is nothing else I would rather be doing.

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From rehearsals…

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To showtime!

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Privilege to Pee – Penelope Pennywise.

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Follow Your Heart – Hope Cladwell and Bobby Strong.

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This is Urinetown!

Ah well, life moves on, and smacks you in the face with all the responsibilities you’ve been avoiding. It’s time to choose a major, time to figure out housing for next year. While Urinetown may be over, there are always more projects, more creativity to be found and explored. Urinetown, it’s been a privilege.